ramblings

One intention for my blog was to write about my thoughts, what I am learning and how I am growing. I started to use my blog this way in the beginning but I think I just forgot. I think out loud. Processing takes place for me in conversation. :) Anyone who knows me knows this. I want to get back to one of the reasons that I started my blog which is to write my thoughts and feelings down. I just want to say that this is my place. I want to share my family, my thoughts and feelings. I understand that everyone has the right to their opinion and I will certainly be expressing mine, so please feel free to express yours. The only thing I ask is that you be respectful. Remember I think out loud so I may not have fully processed what I am writing and who knows maybe I will come back and express something after changing my mind. I won't be surprised if it happens. :) I love to write and somewhere along the way in life I have lost site of that a bit. Who knows what it is being the mother of two amazing boys, running a house, a business, a husband... (hehehe..) or just living life. I probably won't have anything real profound to say, it's mainly for me to document but who knows maybe something that I have to share will move or encourage you.

So I am going to share publicly something that everyone close to me knows. I am terrified of being home alone. I find myself embarrassed and ashamed to put that down for everyone to see. I have ideas of where it stems but nothing real concrete. The reason it feels embarrassing is because I am a Christian. I shouldn't be afraid of anything... :) right? Fear makes me sad. I have allowed it to steal so much from me. Logically I know that God is my protector, my fortress, my Savior!! I have such an amazing God, I know that I have nothing to fear. Yet somehow my brain has not communicated that to my feelings. :) Every year Don goes hunting. Unfortunately this fear has not just stolen joy from me, it has stolen joy from Don. The reason is because we almost always end up fighting every year about him going away. I can't really explain how gripping it is. However I know that he needs to get away and I am starting to understand more and more what it means to him. I love him and I want him to be happy and to be filled. This year he wanted an extra day. He left on a Thursday night and didn't come home until Sunday. This is like my worst nightmare. :) I know, right? I am incredibly blessed to have people around me who love me and support me. I went and spent a couple of days with my friend Melissa. Which was SO SO fun. She is so in love with Christ. She is one of those people who you can't help but feel rejuvenated when you are with her. Her love for God overflows to everyone around her. We had a great time. Even if I wasn't afraid of being alone spending that time with people is such a great way for me to pass the time when Don is gone. The kids get to have someone to play with, they are busy and distracted and I get to have some awesome girl time. Anyway, I could have stayed the whole weekend but decided to come home Saturday night. I finally decided that I needed to face this fear head on. I have conquered much in my life with the verse from 2 Cor. 10:5 that tells us to take our thoughts captive to Christ. Our minds are so powerful. I have spent much of my life thinking and not always being aware of what I was telling myself. I am pretty certain I started telling myself that week that I had nothing to be afraid of. God is my protector. He is my fortress in times of trouble. He will never leave me nor forsake me. In order to face this fear I had to make it work for me. I slept on the couch, with A LOT of lights on. However, the boys and I made it through our first night alone. This is a HUGE victory for me and one that many people probably would not ever understand. I do think that it can translate to other things. I believe that many of us have something that binds us, that keeps us from having as a fulfilling relationship with Christ as we can. Satan LOVES to lie to us. I am tired, tired of letting him win. God has started to teach me that by changing my thoughts it changes my actions. When I am able to be aware of the thoughts that creep into my head that fuel the fear, if I give them to Christ then God has the power not Satan. I believe that this is going to be a lifetime process for me but I KNOW that I can do it. If I need to stay home alone again I will be ok. That's huge. Whatever struggles you might be facing God wants to bring you healing and peace. Practice listening to your thoughts. Do you struggle with loving yourself, wanting something that isn't yours, over eating? Listen to the messages that are going through your head and start changing them today!! Take your thoughts captive to Christ and allow him to transform your mind. It will transform your life.