The REAL reason I am NOT sleeping..

This is meant to be a positive post but I will say there is a little bit of me that is frustrated right now that I am NOT sleeping. My baby Weston is sleeping wonderfully. I should be sleeping. Last night was the first night home and he was awake all night. It was hard. Neither Don or I really slept. I took a nap today so that helped. However tonight I laid down to sleep and was praying that God would help clear my mind and help me find rest. I could tell my mind was wide awake even though my body is yearning for rest. However as I laid there half asleep and still praying I realized I had tears streaming down my face. Have you ever had an experience where you didn't even know you were crying until you felt your tears. Maybe it was the fact that I was half asleep. I also didn't realize that my heart was as heavy and sad as it is.

My darling boys are almost exactly 28 months apart. Brody was born May 18, 2007 and baby boy was born Sept. 19th, 2009. My experiences in many ways couldn't have been more night and day. Becoming Brody's mommy changed my life. I learned something about myself that I might have known but didn't completely understand and God used that experience in many ways to help me grow up. I have always been a very sensitive person, emotional and reacts to my feelings. I want to make sure that I say that these aren't bad things however I would allow my feelings to control me, and I completely trusted what I felt to be true and right. After Brody was born boy did I struggle. Being a mom was hard for me to adjust to. I resented breast feeding, I felt like a horrible mother, I didn't know what to do when he cried, sometimes I wanted to hurt him, I cried when Don left me to go to work. I felt alone. It makes me cry to write this. I didn't know how to love a baby that I didn't know. I had post partum depression with Brody. What God taught me through this and how I grew was that I learned to trust in what I know to be true rather then how I was feeling. I had to learn the power of changing my thoughts. I never took meds, I struggled for 8 - 9 months before I started to feel happy and it took a year before I started to feel somewhat "normal". God truly saved me during this time and taught me how to manage my feelings, how to respond to them and how to choose to change them. Is this making sense?? I completely and utterly have fallen in love with my Brody but I didn't have that experience necessarily when he was born. It has sort of haunted me this pregnancy. I have desired for this experience to be different, I have prayed for it. It was so different. Holding Weston was everything that I felt it should be when you hold your baby for the first time. An enormous amount of love filled my heart to the point that it ached. I will share my birth story at some point but I really felt the need to write this out tonight first. I believe that with Brody's birth it was so long, hard and exhausting that it had a lot to do with how I felt when I first held him. I was in labor 35 hours and pushed for 3 1/2. Completely and utterly exhausted. I think that by the time I held him I just felt sort of numb. The reason that it haunted me during pregnancy was because I was nervous about having the same experience and I was nervous about having a positive experience. So I am leading up to a point and for reasons of my own I wanted to write and share in detail how I am doing but I do hope that this can be encouraging and a source of hope for anyone else who has struggled with PPD. Like I said I laid in bed tonight praying that God would bring me rest. When I woke with tears I realized that I do have some signs of post partum again or the baby blues. God revealed to me areas of anxiety, sadness. I know I am tired and I know that sleep will help. However, I needed to recognize what was a little buried. I am sad because I miss Don. I feel very distant from him right now. I believe that it's mainly because we are both tired. I am sad because Brody seems to be having a hard time adjusting and has been acting out. I am anxious about how to handle this. I feel helpless because I don't know what he needs to help him adjust, I am really really anxious about doing it by myself once Don is back to work and school and my mom leaves. I realized tonight that when I should be sleeping I am awake praying urgently for sleep but this is why. I knew it was there but I just didn't realize how much it was all affecting me. I knew I needed to get up and read my Bible. I opened up to Psalm 13. I have been reading random Psalms lately and tonight God reminded me of what he taught me after Brody was born. The Psalmist is asking God how long will God forget him, how long will God hide his face, how long must he wrestle with his thoughts and his sorrow that is in his heart. As I started to read this I realized the extent of what I was feeling and how much I could relate. I have been feeling pretty good since Weston has been born but I wasn't really allowing myself to be honest with the extent of my feelings. So I read on. In verse 5 he writes BUT I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

So here I am writing this out so that I can see for myself and share with you that God is reminding me of what is true. He love me, I can trust him, he is there for me whether I FEEL like he is or not. He has been good to me and will continue to be. OH praise God. I am not alone. I am thankful for what is true. I know that Don and I might be tired but we will learn to function with two kids and we will reconnect. Brody has only been a big brother for a few days, he needs time to adjust and God will show Don and I how we can help him do that. I will adjust, I will figure out how to be a mom to two boys and I am not alone because God is with me. I have to remember to not allow what I am feeling to rule me but to take captive of my thoughts and focus on the positive. I wanted to share how I am feeling, and adjusting so that you can be praying for me. Specifically that I will really be mindful of my thoughts and take the negative thoughts captive and give them over to God. However, the concerns that I have still feel very real and I would love prayers for Brody as he adjusts, for wisdom how to love him through it and for courage as Don heads back to school and work. I get so nervous thinking about taking care of two boys by myself. WHEW!! However, I know that God doesn't give us more then we can handle. I said that I meant for this to be a positive post and it is. It is because tonight he spoke to my heart, he met me where I was and gave me what I needed. I am so thankful to know a God that is so personal and loving.